The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize