fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
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