They should really pass out barf bags in church
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
don't judge my taste in strippers
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
