It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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