dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
