I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Randomize
