i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i think my tv is drunk
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
