tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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