I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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