he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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