I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
