I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
