So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
