dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
