We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
