I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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