my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
