that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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