fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
