My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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