Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
worst night to have a conscience
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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