About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize