I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
