I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
