We're like a lot better than the average bears
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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