he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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