When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Randomize
