Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
