she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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