That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
