My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
