I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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