Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
