My liver just broke up with me...
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
