To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
