Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
