I'm pants shitting drunk right now
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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