either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
