yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize