I just pynch a tree in the face
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
