Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
