I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
