you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Congratulations! We have a period
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
