laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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