You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
