Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
