If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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