Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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