im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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