Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
