Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
