Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Did you pee in the oven last night??
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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