I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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