he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
