I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
