Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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