WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
And then my night got REAL pukey
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
