I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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