taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
