my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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