Sponge bath it is.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize