hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
