Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
