they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize