I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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