Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
