I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
