Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
