and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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