just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
