Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
